Sometimes I think there is a god…and he hates me…

Not really, I can assure everyone that I am still a 100% atheist.  But these last few months have been a hell of a ride for me, and to be honest I think I’m near the breaking point.  A couple of months ago I was diagnosed as bipolar, and although not found to be schizophrenic, it’s also not been ruled out, but I don’t want to get into that.  I was put on Paxil and it’s really helped a lot, but I’m still not myself and I probably never will be again.  I’ve seen what happens to people with this disease, namely close family.  I’d honestly rather put a gun in my mouth; the kids are the only thing that’s stopping me.  I’m sick of being sick.  For years now I’ve lived with chronic pain.  My teeth are falling apart.  Now my mind is going, and that’s pretty much the point of critical mass.  I can deal with my body falling apart; it was never much to look at anyway.  But I can’t lose my mind, it’s the only part of me that’s of any value, and even that’s debatable.  I seem to be just a burden on everyone else, and I think the world might be better off without me here.

The worst thing, though, was that I lost a good friend.  I hadn’t seen them in years and we managed to reconnect for a while, and it made me pretty damn happy as I had missed them a lot.  Due to job changes and everything else going on in that arena, we just lost touch for a while.  But then, without any explanation, they broke off contact and I’ve not spoken to them since.  That was really, really painful, but I get it.  I’m disposable, good for a few laughs and then tossed in the trash with nary a second though.  Like I’ve said, I’m just a burden anyway, better to get out while you still can.

I tried to turn my attention to other things, namely work, but I feel distracted all the time, and I’m sure this job won’t last; it’s too good, so I’m sure I’ll get kicked out at some point.  Maybe after my mind goes, but probably before.  I’ve lost about everything else, why not the job too?  The kids are the only thing keeping me going, but I don’t know how long that will last.  It’s been more than once that I’ve stared at an open pill bottle, thinking that I could swallow the whole thing and just fall asleep, never waking.  And it would all be over.  No more chronic pain, no more broken teeth, no fear of insanity, and no more friends kicking me to the curb.  My being a burden would just be over, it can be ruled accidental overdose and they’d still get my life insurance money.  And they wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore in order to get it.

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